“It’s all good. Life’s perfect! The sun cannot shine any brighter than it already is shining. Look around yourself, Everything is so beautiful.” An everyday exchange of dialogue between my head and my conscious. What else do i want? My life don’t suck. I have everything i wanted, Everything i ever dreamt of, Everything i wished for. But this is just the start. When the morning ritual comes to an end that’s when the cracks show up on this “beautiful” castle of glass. Come afternoon and the annoying phase begins. “Why isn’t this in the right place? Just who the hell is he to tell me what to do? Oh My god! Why is there so much traffic? Why is the sun blasting heat like it’s some kind of a furnace? Just what the hell is wrong with this weather?” Understandable. Might have been a long day. Or maybe just maybe i was complaining about the right things. As much as i try to convince myself i should’ve known i was wasting my time and should’ve started praying that it was the end of it, but my god was i so wrong. Sun is setting and the evening begins. That’s when the monsters start showing up. “Is someone following me back home? Are the cops gonna stop me for speeding? Did i just commit a hit and run? Why are my co workers so ignorant? Is my boss blind for not seeing and praising me for the work i did? Just who the fuck are these people and why the fuck am i taking orders from them huh?” Jesus Christ if only you gave me the ability to stop things before reaching the breaking point, but nope you cunning bastard you had to push me didn’t you? Night settles and that’s when the paranoia kicks in and of course that son of a bitch is overdosed with insomnia because why the hell not! A state of dread so high that saying i am jaded inside would be an understatement! “Is someone trying to kill me? Why am i living alone in my house? I had a dog with me didn’t i? You know what? I have had enough with these assholes, i am gonna kill these fuckers now!” I get up to get my gun but manage to stop myself, like the whole world is pulling me away from this madness. I lie down. Push the pillow right down my ears and force myself to sleep.
Next morning i wake up, feeling as positive as anything can be. I get over with my morning ritual and in due course of time find myself in the same loop. I push myself harder and am able to get over with the day. Another day begins but the same cycle repeats. Same thing happens the day after and the day after that and the week after that and the month after that. The moment i started believing that i got used to it was the moment the true colors of me being a dumb ass fool started revealing themselves. You see, as much as i thought i am used to it now there was but one thing that i somehow managed to ignore and that was the voices were becoming louder and louder everyday. It started feeling like the voices were me, as they slowly started taking control my actions. The Schizophrenia was real. But i still kept winning this battle against my mind. Until today. I leave my house to buy some groceries without any clue that i was packing my gun with me. In the parking lot i go near my car that’s when all hell breaks loose. I see my neighbour, real nice chap, who came near me to say hi. I don’t know what i heard or what i made of it but instead of responding i punch him right in his face. It felt like he was threatening me or maybe even insulting me. Before he could say anything i punch him again and again till he loses a few of his teeth and his mouth started bleeding. With zero control of my self i pull out my gun and aim it at his carcass. But somehow, right at that very moment, my eyes open knowing that i have taken it too far this time, i see myself aiming a gun at me. I am baffled. Shock isn’t something that can define this moment. Scared and confused i ask the unarmed me “Who are you?”And his response leaves me shellshocked. “I am you. The REAL you. I am also the guy whom you are pointing a gun at. I am also each and every single person whom you have known or not known. But i am the real them. I am the one you lock in the deepest, darkest place in your conscious. I am the one you don’t want your friends and family to see. I am the one who hides behind your 5000$ suit like a shadow, the one who is the opposite of class in your parties where you drink expensive champagne. Kid. I am the one by whom you are so scared that you decide to lock me away in a chest in some far away corner of your soul and forget about the key. But don’t be scared because after all i am YOU. The true you. And this time i broke free of that chest and have no plans to go back inside.” I hear him and then i look at my neighbour, tears dripping from his eyes saying “please don’t do this” while the “real” me stands right in front of my barrel and screams “DO IT!” Emotion, confusion, turmoil. It feels like the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders. I resist. I insist. But after a long period talking to myself. I pull the trigger.
Totally a work of fiction.